WAS THE GIRL WHO CRAVED THE ATTENTION OF A MAN EVEN IF HE WASN’T GOOD FOR ME
I WAS THE GIRL WHO CRAVED THE ATTENTION OF A MAN EVEN IF HE WASN’T GOOD FOR ME
But I was really broken and ready for rock bottom.
Self-love was my enemy and relationships were my battlefields and yet I didn't understand why I kept losing in the game of love.
Here's what didn't work for me.
1. Reading a few personal development books. Healing your heart requires time, dedication and vulnerable introspection of our roles and woundedness in the breakdown of the relationship. Reading several self-help books about narcissism, emotional abuse et al are a complete waste of time and money if you think they will fix the problem once and for all. They are the equivalent of dipping our toes into the kiddie pool. It took deep diving 50 miles offshore into the depths of self-exploration to finally heal my heart.
2. Moving on quickly to someone else. Run. Far. When you hear this. When a relationship ends, this is time for you to become introspective about what worked and what didn't. Ignoring the flags of your previous relationships just delays the inevitable crash and burn. I crashed and burned many times. It was sitting with myself that allowed me to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of previous relationships.
3. Taking advice from friends, family and well meaning dating coaches - an dyes, even therapists. Frankly, most are delusional. And often don't realize they're promoting trauma bonds, doormat behavior, as well as ongoing toxic dysfunction. They mean well but often don't realize they are creating more problems than they solve because they create the illusion of a quick fix in order to market their services by preying on your desperation. In falling for this you perpetuate the need to be saved vs doing the work to heal.
My ah-ha moments
1. I didn't love myself.
And consequentially I was looking for others to love me in ways that I wasn't able to love myself.
2. I was still the broken little girl grieving her father's death while struggling in the relationship with her mother
Admitting that I was still the wounded little girl was hard but it was worth it.
3. I embraced the role of victim in my relationships
I chose men that I knew deep down weren't good for me. This was evidenced by the red flags I zoomed past and still accepted as red roses. Big, bright and beautiful but I wasn't willing to pay attention because they reflected the parts of me that still needed to heal.
4. I was dating as the unconsciously wounded woman seeking to have my needs met by my partners.
In order to truly heal I had to embrace conscious love of myself and others.
But that would only happen if I healed my heart vs. remaining hurt, stuck and confused.
I took time off dating, entered into the exploration of myself and it has been the most rewarding emotional experience of my life.
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I learned to love and trust myself. I crushed my relationship fears and everyday revel in the experience of becoming the best version of myself.